One day, Satan comes to a church. Everybody in the church is afraid and runs away. Only one old man stays in the church. So Satan walks to the man and says, “Do you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, I know who you are.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asks.
“No, I am not.” says the man.
“Do you know that I can make life horrible for you?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“Do you know that I can kill you with one word?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asks Satan.
“No,” says the old man.
Satan is shocked but asks, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “I married your sister 48 years ago.”
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear are sitting in the snow. The son polar bear looks at his father and asks, “Dad, am I 100 % polar bear?” The father polar bear says, “Of course, son, you’re 100 % polar bear. Why do you ask?”
“I am very cold!” says his son.
A young man has a new job at a supermarket. It is his first day. The manager says hello to him. Then he gives him a mop and says, “Your first job is to mop the floor.” “But I have a university degree,” the young man says.
“Oh, I understand. I’m sorry,” says the manager. “Give me the mop. I can show you how.”
A petrol station owner wants to sell more petrol in a small village. He writes on a board, “Free sex for a full tank.”
Many people come to the petrol station. One of the first people is Hugo. When his tank is full, he asks for free sex.
The owner tells him, “Tell me a number from 1 to 10.”
Hugo says 8.
The owner says, “The number is 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
The next week Hugo comes with his friend Augustin. When Hugo’s tank is full, he asks again for free sex.
The owner wants to hear the correct number again. Hugo says 2 this time.
The owner says, “Sorry, it is 3. No sex today.”
Hugo is angry and he tells his friend Augustin, “I think it is a marketing trick and there is no free sex.”
His friend Augustin says, “No, it isn’t a trick. My wife had free sex twice last week.”
A man is reading his newspaper when his wife walks up to him and hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He says, “Why do you hit me?”
“There was a piece of paper in your pocket with the words ‘Betty Sue’ on it.”
He says, “Honey, ‘Betty Sue’ is the name of the horse which I want to buy.”
The wife doesn’t say anything.
Three days later he is reading his newspaper again. His wife comes to him and hits him with a frying pan again.
He says, “Why do you hit me again?”
She says, “Your horse is on the phone.”
One night a policeman is waiting in his car near a very busy bar. At 1 am, he can see a man who is walking out of the bar. The man goes slowly. He looks very drunk. He tries his key in five different cars. Then he finds his car. He sits in the front seat and he tries to start the car with his keys for 10 minutes. Everybody from the bar goes home. When he starts his car, he begins to drive.
The policeman is waiting for him. He stops the driver. Then he does the test for alcohol. The test shows 0.0. The policeman doesn’t understand. He wants to know how it is possible. The driver says, “Tonight, I’m playing the drunk man.”
It’s a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are working hard in the garden. Their friend Ralph is sitting under a tree and drinks a cold drink. Jake asks Harry, “Why are we here in the hot sun when Ralph is sitting there?” Harry says, “I don’t know, I will go ask him.”
Harry goes to Ralph and asks him, “Why are you sitting here and drinking a cold drink and Jake and I are working in the hot sun?”
Ralph says, “Because I have smarts.”
“What is smarts?” asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, “Hit my hand very hard.” Harry tries to hit Ralph’s hand but Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree. He feels great pain.
Ralph says, “I moved my hand away. I showed you that I have smarts.” Harry goes back to Jake and Jake asks him, “What did he say?”
Ralph says, “It’s because he has smarts.“
“What’s that?” Jake asks. Harry puts his hand in front of his face and says, “Hit my hand!”
Three sisters who are 92, 94, and 96 years old live together. One night the 96-year-old sister prepares a bath. She puts one foot in and stops. “Am I getting in the bath or out?” she shouts.
The 94-year-old sister shouts back, “I don’t know, I will come up to see. “ She starts going up the stairs and she stops. She shouts, “Am I going up or down?”
The 92-year-old sister is sitting at the kitchen table. She is drinking tea. She is listening to her sisters. She says to herself, “I hope that I will never forget things“, and knocks on wood. Then she shouts, “I will come up and I will help both of you. But first I must see who is at the door.”
A sad man walks into a bar, and the barman asks him what the problem is.
“My life is horrible,” the man says. “Every night, I play a game of chess with my wife, and every night she beats me.”
“Well, why don’t you stop playing chess?” the barman asks.
“I love the game,” the man says, “I’m a genius. I never lose.”
The barman doesn’t understand. “But you say that your wife always beats you.”
“Well,” the man says, “She doesn’t like to lose.”