A farmer wants to milk a cow in the barn. He puts his chair next to the cow and the bucket below it. As he starts milking the cow, she kicks the bucket with her left leg. After a while, the farmer is angry and takes a rope to fix the cow’s leg to a pole. But before he can start milking again, the cow kicks the bucket with her right leg. So the farmer fixes the right leg to another pole.
The farmer wants to start milking again, but now the cow is hitting him with her tail. He decides to fix the tail to the roof. He puts the chair behind the cow and he steps on it. But he has no rope, so he takes off his belt to fix the tail. So as he is holding the cow’s tail in one hand, his belt in the other, his pants drop down right before his wife enters. She looks at him in a state of shock.
He just says, “Sometimes things are hard to explain.”
A big football fan walks into a bar, hits the table, and shouts, “Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens every day for a week, and the bartender starts to be nervous and very scared. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him that he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.
The next day, the big football fan returns.
“Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
“O-o-o-o-r-r-r… w-w-what?” says the bartender quietly.
“A small Coke.”
A man has six children and is very proud of this fact. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six”. His wife doesn’t agree with this title but her man continues using this title.
One night, the husband and wife go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home now, Mother of Six?”
His wife, who is finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime when you’re ready, Father of Four!”
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his shock, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
A photographer wants to take pictures of a forest fire. A small plane waits for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire.
The photographer comes to the airport only an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!”
The nervous man who is sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane. Soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.”
“Why?” asks the nervous pilot.
“Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
The pilot says, “You are not the flight instructor?”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be normally a conservative man and is curious about his sudden change of style.
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies quietly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
An elderly couple was attending a church service when about halfway through she leans over and tells him,
“I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?”
“Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman didn’t follow the traffic rules. She was sent to traffic court. When they asked about her job, she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge stood up from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher! Now sit and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times!”