A man has six children and is very proud of this fact. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six”. His wife doesn’t agree with this title but her man continues using this title.
One night, the husband and wife go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home now, Mother of Six?”
His wife, who is finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime when you’re ready, Father of Four!”
A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, stroke me, and take good care of me. They must be gods!”
A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, stroke me, and take good care of me. I must be a god!”
What is the name that cannibals have for athletes?
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his shock, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who is he? Who is the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
Are you good at doing things for the first time?
If not, skydiving is not for you!
A photographer wants to take pictures of a forest fire. A small plane waits for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire.
The photographer comes to the airport only an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!”
The nervous man who is sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane. Soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.”
“Why?” asks the nervous pilot.
“Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
The pilot says, “You are not the flight instructor?”
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A husband and wife have a new computer. They need to set up a password. The husband types in “Mypenis”.
The wife falls on the ground. She is laughing. The computer says, “Error. Not long enough.”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be normally a conservative man and is curious about his sudden change of style.
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies quietly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
(I always wondered how this trend started.)