Mother comes home from a business trip and she asks her little son, “Well, Johnny, how was your life with father when I was away?”
“Everything was fine, mum,” the little boy says. “Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.”
“Wasn’t it difficult for you to swim?”
“Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.”
A man and his wife entered a dentist’s office.
The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want any anaesthetics because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turned to her husband and said, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have cattle that are at least twice as large as your cows.” The conversation almost dies when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?” The Australian replies, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
An old man is going by car. He is going on a big road. His phone rings.
He answers the phone. He hears his wife. She tells him, “Herman, I listened to the news. They say that there is a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It is not only one car,” says Herman, “It is many cars!”
A man has six children and is very proud of this fact. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six”. His wife doesn’t agree with this title but her man continues using this title.
One night, the husband and wife go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home now, Mother of Six?”
His wife, who is finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime when you’re ready, Father of Four!”
A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, stroke me, and take good care of me. They must be gods!”
A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, stroke me, and take good care of me. I must be a god!”
What is the name that cannibals have for athletes?
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his shock, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who is he? Who is the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
Are you good at doing things for the first time?
If not, skydiving is not for you!