A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. “A pint, please,” the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV.
When the local team scores a goal, the dog barks and dances around the bar and jumps very high. “Wow,” the barman says, clearly impressed. “What does he do when we win?” “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for two years,” the man replies.
A farmer wants to milk a cow in the barn. He puts his chair next to the cow and the bucket below it. As he starts milking the cow, she kicks the bucket with her left leg. After a while, the farmer is angry and takes a rope to fix the cow’s leg to a pole. But before he can start milking again, the cow kicks the bucket with her right leg. So the farmer fixes the right leg to another pole.
The farmer wants to start milking again, but now the cow is hitting him with her tail. He decides to fix the tail to the roof. He puts the chair behind the cow and he steps on it. But he has no rope, so he takes off his belt to fix the tail. So as he is holding the cow’s tail in one hand, his belt in the other, his pants drop down right before his wife enters. She looks at him in a state of shock.
He just says, “Sometimes things are hard to explain.”
The teacher says, “Why are you late, Joseph?” Joseph replies, “Because of a sign down the road.” The teacher says, “What does a sign have to do with you being late?” Joseph replies, “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”
A big football fan walks into a bar, hits the table, and shouts, “Give me a Budweiser, or…!” Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens every day for a week, and the bartender starts to be nervous and very scared. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him that he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.
The next day, the big football fan returns. “Give me a Budweiser, or…!” “O-o-o-o-r-r-r… w-w-what?” says the bartender quietly. “A small Coke.”
A student is talking to his teacher. The student says, “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” The teacher replies, “Of course not!” The student says, “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”
A woman is in bed with her lover who is also her husband`s best friend.
They make love for hours and then when they are relaxing in bed, the phone rings. It is the woman’s house, so she answers the phone. The best friend listens. He only hears her side of the conversation.
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so happy that you called… Really? That’s great… I’m happy to hear that you are having such a good time… Oh, that is fantastic… Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye!”
When she finishes the conversation, her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she says, “That was my husband. He told me about all the great time which he is having on his fishing trip with you.”