A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No, God will save me.”
Finally, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
A: What room does a ghost not need?
B: A living room!
A: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
B: Hope it’s Halloween!
“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”
“I think so too. This is a post office.”
A: Why does the blonde run with the bike?
B: It is going too fast for her to get on.
A very drunk man gets home and starts to open the door but he is too drunk to do it. From the balcony, his wife shouts, “Should I throw you the key?”
“I have got the key,” he said, “Throw me the lock!”
Why are married men fat and bachelors are not? The bachelors go to the fridge. They see nothing that they want, and then they go to bed. Married men go to bed – they see nothing that they want, and then they go to the fridge.
Did you hear about the man who was so proud that he completed a jigsaw in half an hour? It said “five to six years” on the box.
A: I’m in big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: There is a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don’t have a trap.
B: Well, buy one.
A: I don’t have any money.
B: I can give you my trap if you want.
A: Great. Thank you.
B: All you need to do is just put some cheese in the trap, then the mouse will come to the trap.
A: I don’t have any cheese.
B: Okay, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil on it and put it in the trap.
A: I don’t have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don’t have any bread.
B: I don’t understand. What is the mouse doing at your house?!