Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, show me.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. A while later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have two glass eyes. He obviously can see. So he says, “All right, show me.”
The first man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A young boy and his father were visiting a city for the first time. They went to a big shopping centre. They were amazed by almost everything that they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen a lift) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother!”
One night a policeman is waiting in his car near a very busy bar. At 1 am, he can see a man who is walking out of the bar. The man goes slowly. He looks very drunk. He tries his key in five different cars. Then he finds his car. He sits in the front seat and he tries to start the car with his keys for 10 minutes. Everybody from the bar goes home. When he starts his car, he begins to drive.
The policeman is waiting for him. He stops the driver. Then he does the test for alcohol. The test shows 0.0. The policeman doesn’t understand. He wants to know how it is possible. The driver says, “Tonight, I’m playing the drunk man.”
A guy was driving when a policeman stopped him. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just saw your safe driving and I’m pleased to award you with a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations! What do you think you’ll do with this money?”
The guy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that driver’s license.”
The lady who was sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him. He tries to be funny when he’s drunk.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
A snail is attacked by a turtle. The policeman says, “Can you tell us what happened?”
The snail says, “No, it all happened so fast!”
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he’s ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies, “That bird is $1000.”
“What?!” cries the man, “$1000 for a bird? What does it do?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked,” says the shop owner. “You see, that bird can sing every female role in our opera house from memory.”
The man thinks, OK but I can’t afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is.
“That bird is $2000,” replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. “Well, he can play any Paganini concerto that you request on the violin from memory.” The man thinks wow, but I really can’t afford that bird.
He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird sitting in the corner of a cage, and, thinks that this bird couldn’t cost very much. He asks the shop owner. “Oh, that bird is $20000,” he replies. Shocked, the man asks what this bird does. “Oh, we haven’t found out yet,” the owner replies. “But the other two call him Maestro.”
It’s a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are working hard in the garden. Their friend Ralph is sitting under a tree and drinks a cold drink. Jake asks Harry, “Why are we here in the hot sun when Ralph is sitting there?” Harry says, “I don’t know, I will go ask him.”
Harry goes to Ralph and asks him, “Why are you sitting here and drinking a cold drink and Jake and I are working in the hot sun?”
Ralph says, “Because I have smarts.”
“What is smarts?” asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, “Hit my hand very hard.” Harry tries to hit Ralph’s hand but Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree. He feels great pain.
Ralph says, “I moved my hand away. I showed you that I have smarts.” Harry goes back to Jake and Jake asks him, “What did he say?”
Ralph says, “It’s because he has smarts.“
“What’s that?” Jake asks. Harry puts his hand in front of his face and says, “Hit my hand!”
An old fisherman was fishing in the lake one day when he saw a water snake moving across the water with a frog in its mouth. He had been a fisherman for a long time. He knew the best food for some large fish were frogs. With this thought, the fisherman grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the frog from its mouth. He put the frog in his side bag. The fisherman feared the angry snake would bite him, so he grabbed his bottle of homemade whisky from his pocket and carefully poured 2 drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes shone for just a moment and then it moved away slowly.
A few hours later, the fisherman was about to head home, when he felt something touching his leg. He looked down and was amazed to see the same water snake with 2 frogs in its mouth.
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking whisky, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other “professor“, and generally attracting a lot of attention. When asked why they were having such a celebration, they said proudly that they’ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months! “Two months?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!”
“Oh, yeah?” says one drunk. “The box said 2-4 years!”
A teacher says, “What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are not interested?”
The students say, “A teacher!”