Jesus is in heaven. He goes for a walk. He walks along the walls. He hears a voice. It is coming from the other side. It is the voice of an old man. “Hello? Hello?” says the man. “Who is it?” asks Jesus. “Just a poor, old carpenter. I’m looking for my son.” “Joseph?” “Pinocchio?”
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. When he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks. “No, not at all!” the woman replied. They chat for an hour and when the preacher stands because he wants to leave, he realises that he didn’t eat just a few peanuts but he emptied most of the bowl! “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.” “Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened.”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband, he thinks he’s a fridge!” “I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.” “But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.” “That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”. “How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor. “Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”
A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it. The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said, “You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.” The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.