Women in Leather – Level 1
Why do men like women dressed in leather?
Because they smell like new cars.
Woman with a Baby – Level 2
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. She is really angry. She says to a man next to her, ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Happy Mother – Level 3
A very excited mother asked her daughter, “Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?”
Her daughter replied, “Better than that, four of them recognised it!”
An Old Dog – Level 1
A man has a big garden around his house. An old dog comes to his garden. The dog looks at the man and then lies down next to him.
When the man stands up and walks to the house, the dog walks behind him. When they are inside, the dog jumps on the sofa, closes his eyes and sleeps for one hour. Then he wakes up and walks to the door. The man lets the dog out.
The next day the dog comes again. He jumps on the sofa and sleeps for an hour. This is happening every day for three weeks. The man wants to know why the dog comes to his house. He writes on a piece of paper these words, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house and sleeps for one hour on my sofa.” Then the man puts this piece of paper on his collar.
The next day the dog comes with a different piece of paper on his collar. It says, “He lives in a home with four children. He needs some quite place to relax. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
A Can of Peaches – Level 2
A woman was arrested for stealing. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
When her husband heard this, he stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Three Men in One Car – Level 3
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car.
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!
Nobody Is Perfect – Level 1
Nobody is perfect. I am nobody. So I am perfect.
The Pope and a Limousine – Level 2
The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call my chief.”
The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.
“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the policeman. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who is it then?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the policeman, “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”
Vacuum Cleaner Salesman – Level 3
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man put his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Please let me in!” he said, “And see my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
Visit at a Church – Level 1
One day, Satan comes to a church. Everybody in the church is afraid and runs away. Only one old man stays in the church.
So Satan walks to the man and says, “Do you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, I know who you are.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asks.
“No, I am not.” says the man.
“Do you know that I can make life horrible for you?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“Do you know that I can kill you with one word?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asks Satan.
“No,” says the old man.
Satan is shocked but asks, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “I married your sister 48 years ago.”