Peter and John are walking their dogs when they see a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Peter says.
“We can’t,” replies John and points at the “NO PETS ALLOWED!” sign.
“Ah, the sign… Don’t worry about it!”
Peter puts on his sunglasses and enters, but the doorman stops him.
“Sorry, no pets allowed.”
“Can’t you see?” says Peter, “I am blind! This is my guide dog.”
“But this is a Dobermann – who uses a Dobermann as a guide dog?”
“Oh, you haven’t heard? This is the latest type of guide dog! They do a very good job!”
John sees that Peter’s plan is working. He puts on sunglasses too and tries to get into the restaurant with his Chihuahua. The doorman quickly stops him.
“Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of guide dog too!”
“You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?”
The leader of the vegetarian society couldn’t help himself anymore. He needed to try some pork. He really wanted to know what it tastes like. And so, on a summer’s day, he told his members that he was going on a vacation. He went out of town, and visited the nearest restaurant.
He ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited to try it. After a few minutes, he heard someone call his name. He saw that one of his colleagues was walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter came with a roasted pig, and it had an apple in its mouth.
“Well, isn’t this just terrible!?” says the leader after a moment, “All I did was order an apple, and look what the apple comes with!”
Scientists have recently discovered that beer contains a little of female hormones. This was proved when 100 men were given 12 pints of beer. Scientists observed that a surprising percentage of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life. They had a good time. One day, one of the men, Harry, started talking about a fantastic restaurant. He went to this restaurant the other night with his wife.
“Really?” one of the men said, “What’s it called?”
Harry thinks for a few seconds and says, “What are those good-smelling flowers called again?”
“Do you mean roses?” the first man asked.
“Yes that’s it!” and he looked at his wife and shouted, “Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?”
On a plane that was headed to New York, the flight attendant went to a blonde who was sitting in the first class section. He asked her to move to the lower class because she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The flight attendant didn’t want to argue with a customer, so he asked the co-pilot to speak with her. The co-pilot went to the blonde and asked her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot went back to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the lower class section. She mumbled to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so…”
The flight attendant and the co-pilot were surprised, and they wanted to know what the pilot had just said. The pilot replied, “I told her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
Bob Smith wasn’t happy about his job and decided to find a new job somewhere else. They always told him “NO“ when he asked for a job. It was because people knew him as someone who didn’t like working at all. He had a very bad reputation. One day the phone rang at his office. Bob did not usually pick up the phone but this time he did. “Hi,“ said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you. I need some information about Bob Smith. He is applying for a position in our company. Do you know him?“
„Sure, I know him,“ responded Bob with a smile.
“Tell me,“ asked the man, “is he a hard-working person? Does he always come to work on time?“
“Well, I’ll be honest,“ Bob replied, “ I’m not such a hard-working man, but whenever I’m here Bob is here!“
Peter goes to a psychologist. “Doctor, I’ve got trouble,” he says. “Every time when I get into bed, I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there is somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. I think I am crazy!” The doctor thinks for a moment. Then he says, “Just be my patient for 2 years. Come to me three times a week and I will help you.”
“How much will I pay?” Peter asks.
“A hundred dollars per visit,” the doctor says.
Peter replies, “I’ll think about it.”
Peter never visits the doctor again. Sometime later, he meets the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to see me again?” the doctor asks.
“A hundred dollars per visit? It’s too expensive for me. A barman helped me for 10 dollars.”
The doctor is surprised, “What did he do with you?”
“He told me to cut off the legs of the bed.”
A general manager was with his secretary on a business trip. They had to be accommodated in a room with a single bed because all the other rooms were full. After dinner and several glasses of wine, the manager says: “Look, we only have one bed. How are we going to sleep tonight? As husband and wife or as a general manager and a secretary?”
“As husband and wife,” the secretary cheerfully answers. When the manager hears that, he turns to the wall and starts snoring.
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he saw a policeman who said, “Now, now young boy, I think you should take that monkey to the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again when he saw the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey boy, I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today, I’m taking it to the cinema.”
The new employee stood before the paper shredder and was looking confused. “Do you need some help?” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“It’s simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and putting it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”