A girl handed in a short story for her English class. The instructions were simple – the story had to be about religion, sexuality and mystery, and it had to be as short as possible.
Having received the markedpaper, the girl rejoiced. She was the only student to get an A+. This is what she had written:
“God! I’m pregnant – I wonder how that happened…”
A man was praying as he was having a walk on a beach in California. Suddenly, the sky above him clouded over and he could hear the Lord say:
“Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will make one of your wishes true.”
“Build me a bridge from here to Hawaii. I want to be able to drive there anytime I feel like.”
“That is a very materialistic and wasteful wish! Take your time to think and tell me another wish. A kind one!”
The man thought for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I would like to understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside… What she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment… Why she cries… What she means when she says ‘nothing is wrong’… And how I can make a woman truly happy?”
“Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”
A man and his wife were having some problems, so they decided to try silent therapy.
The following week, the man realized that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. He had to catch an early flight, but he didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence. So, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, but it was already 9 a.m. He missed his flight!
He was furious and started screaming at his wife, but she just showed him a piece of paper next to his bed.
“It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
One early morning, a mother is trying to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. When they were close to a town called Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
After a while of arguing, they decided to go to a local restaurant and have lunch. The husband could not wait to know the correct pronunciation, so he asked the blond waitress at the cash desk.
“Before we order, could you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
Peter and John are walking their dogs when they see a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Peter says.
“We can’t,” replies John and points at the “NO PETS ALLOWED!” sign.
“Ah, the sign… Don’t worry about it!”
Peter puts on his sunglasses and enters, but the doorman stops him.
“Sorry, no pets allowed.”
“Can’t you see?” says Peter, “I am blind! This is my guide dog.”
“But this is a Dobermann – who uses a Dobermann as a guide dog?”
“Oh, you haven’t heard? This is the latest type of guide dog! They do a very good job!”
John sees that Peter’s plan is working. He puts on sunglasses too and tries to get into the restaurant with his Chihuahua. The doorman quickly stops him.
“Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of guide dog too!”
“You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?”
The leader of the vegetarian society couldn’t help himself anymore. He needed to try some pork. He really wanted to know what it tastes like. And so, on a summer’s day, he told his members that he was going on a vacation. He went out of town, and visited the nearest restaurant.
He ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited to try it. After a few minutes, he heard someone call his name. He saw that one of his colleagues was walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter came with a roasted pig, and it had an apple in its mouth.
“Well, isn’t this just terrible!?” says the leader after a moment, “All I did was order an apple, and look what the apple comes with!”
Scientists have recently discovered that beer contains a little of female hormones. This was proved when 100 men were given 12 pints of beer. Scientists observed that a surprising percentage of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life. They had a good time. One day, one of the men, Harry, started talking about a fantastic restaurant. He went to this restaurant the other night with his wife.
“Really?” one of the men said, “What’s it called?”
Harry thinks for a few seconds and says, “What are those good-smelling flowers called again?”
“Do you mean roses?” the first man asked.
“Yes that’s it!” and he looked at his wife and shouted, “Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?”
On a plane that was headed to New York, the flight attendant went to a blonde who was sitting in the first class section. He asked her to move to the lower class because she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The flight attendant didn’t want to argue with a customer, so he asked the co-pilot to speak with her. The co-pilot went to the blonde and asked her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot went back to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the lower class section. She mumbled to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so…”
The flight attendant and the co-pilot were surprised, and they wanted to know what the pilot had just said. The pilot replied, “I told her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”