A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him,
“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”
The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench and they are talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know that I have a Chagall in my living room? It was my son, Arnold, who bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is, he loves his mother.”
“You call that love? You know my Mercedes? I’ve just got it for Mother’s Day. It’s from my son, Bernie. What a darling!”
Shirley says, “That’s nothing. Do you know my son Stanley? He’s in therapy and has five sessions a week. And you know what he talks about? Me!”
A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead. The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.
“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog sniffs the body and barks.
“I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”
The man finally accepts the diagnosis and asks the vet for the bill.
“It’s 650 dollars.”
“650 to tell me my dog is dead?”
“Well, I would only have charged you $50 for my first diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test.”
A man was on a tour of the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while he was on vacation. By chance, he discovered a secret room. He left the tour group silently and started to explore the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. He wiped the dust off the lamp and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
“For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish. What will it be, sire?”
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Allah Ka Zam! You’re a housewife!”
I was walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the thing away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and it probably has germs,” I replied.
My daughter looked at me with total admiration, and she asked, “Wow! How do you know all these things?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently thinking about this new information. “OH… I get it!” she exclaimed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. When he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all!” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and when the preacher stands because he wants to leave, he realises that he didn’t eat just a few peanuts but he emptied most of the bowl!
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says,
“Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband, he thinks he’s a fridge!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it.
The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said,
“You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.”
The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans.
After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.