A woman was arrested for stealing. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
When her husband heard this, he stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call my chief.”
The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.
“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the policeman. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who is it then?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the policeman, “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their seats, but the three engineers all went into one toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please.”
The door opened just a little and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one confused accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants went into a toilet and the three engineers went into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left their toilet and walked over to the toilet where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
There once was an old man who was dying in his bed. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic. “When I die, I’ll get the money on my way up,” said the old man. Well, when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They promised that if one of them died, the second one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car accident. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she said, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It’s beautiful. The sky is blue, there’s a soft wind, sun shines most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we sleep until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we make love again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat surprised. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
Fred is 35 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asks him, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Find a girl who is exactly like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With an unhappy face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was exactly like my mother. You were right. My mother liked her very much.”
The friend says, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, show me.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. A while later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have two glass eyes. He obviously can see. So he says, “All right, show me.”
The first man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A guy was driving when a policeman stopped him. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just saw your safe driving and I’m pleased to award you with a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations! What do you think you’ll do with this money?”
The guy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that driver’s license.”
The lady who was sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him. He tries to be funny when he’s drunk.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
An old fisherman was fishing in the lake one day when he saw a water snake moving across the water with a frog in its mouth. He had been a fisherman for a long time. He knew the best food for some large fish were frogs. With this thought, the fisherman grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the frog from its mouth. He put the frog in his side bag. The fisherman feared the angry snake would bite him, so he grabbed his bottle of homemade whisky from his pocket and carefully poured 2 drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes shone for just a moment and then it moved away slowly.
A few hours later, the fisherman was about to head home, when he felt something touching his leg. He looked down and was amazed to see the same water snake with 2 frogs in its mouth.