Peter goes to a doctor.
“Doctor, I’ve got a problem,” he says. “Every time when I get into bed, I think that there is somebody under it. I look under the bed and I think there is somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. I think I am crazy!”
The doctor thinks for a moment. Then he says, “Come to me for 2 years. Come here three times a week and I will help you.”
“How much will I pay?” Peter asks.
“A hundred dollars for a visit,” the doctor says.
Peter says, “I’ll think about it.”
Peter never visits the doctor again. Sometime later, he meets the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to visit me again?” the doctor asks.
“A hundred dollars for one visit? It’s expensive for me. A barman helped me for 10 dollars.”
The doctor is shocked, “What did he do with you?”
“He told me to cut the legs of the bed.”
Peter goes to a doctor.
Jerry was in hospital. He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
A patient asks the doctor:
“What will happen if the operation is not a success?”
“Don‘t worry. If it isn’t, you won’t be able to tell.”
“Mummy, you have such a nice dress. Where are you going in it?”
“I’m going to the theatre to see Romeo and Juliet.”
“But you’ve seen it 5 times!”
“Yes, I know, but not in this dress.”
A student stops a car and asks the driver,
“Can you take me to school?”
“Sorry, I’m going in another direction,” says the driver.
“Super, take me there!”
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
B: Hope it’s Halloween!
A: Why does the blonde run with the bike?
B: It is going too fast for her to get on.
Did you hear about the man who was so proud that he completed a jigsaw in half an hour? It said “five to six years” on the box.