Man Is Talking to God – Level 2
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
Fried Eggs – Level 2
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Zombies – Level 2
A: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
B: Hope it’s Halloween!
The Blonde and the Bike – Level 2
A: Why does the blonde run with the bike?
B: It is going too fast for her to get on.
A Jigsaw – Level 2
Did you hear about the man who was so proud that he completed a jigsaw in half an hour? It said “five to six years” on the box.
The Good and the Bad News – Level 2
A man goes to hospital for a check-up because he has some medical problems. The doctor tells him that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem is and that they need to do more tests. After weeks of tests, the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news.
“You have a new and incurable disease,” says the doctor.
“And what’s the good news?” asks the man.
And the doctor says, “We’re going to name it after you.”
What Does He Want to Be? – Level 2
“Does your son know what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
Woman with a Baby – Level 2
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. She is really angry. She says to a man next to her, ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A Can of Peaches – Level 2
A woman was arrested for stealing. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
When her husband heard this, he stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
The Pope and a Limousine – Level 2
The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call my chief.”
The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.
“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the policeman. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who is it then?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the policeman, “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”