There once was an old man who was dying in his bed. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic. “When I die, I’ll get the money on my way up,” said the old man.
Well, when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They promised that if one of them died, the second one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car accident. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she said, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It’s beautiful. The sky is blue, there’s a soft wind, sun shines most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we sleep until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we make love again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat surprised. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
Carlos told his wife that he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. The next day she bought him an electric guitar.
Fred is 35 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asks him, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Find a girl who is exactly like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With an unhappy face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was exactly like my mother. You were right. My mother liked her very much.”
The friend says, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, show me.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. A while later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have two glass eyes. He obviously can see. So he says, “All right, show me.”
The first man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A guy was driving when a policeman stopped him. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just saw your safe driving and I’m pleased to award you with a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations! What do you think you’ll do with this money?”
The guy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that driver’s license.”
The lady who was sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him. He tries to be funny when he’s drunk.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
An old fisherman was fishing in the lake one day when he saw a water snake moving across the water with a frog in its mouth. He had been a fisherman for a long time. He knew the best food for some large fish were frogs. With this thought, the fisherman grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the frog from its mouth. He put the frog in his side bag. The fisherman feared the angry snake would bite him, so he grabbed his bottle of homemade whisky from his pocket and carefully poured 2 drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes shone for just a moment and then it moved away slowly.
A few hours later, the fisherman was about to head home, when he felt something touching his leg. He looked down and was amazed to see the same water snake with 2 frogs in its mouth.
A teacher says, “What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are not interested?”
The students say, “A teacher!”
If you have a teenager, you might find some similarities between them and cats. For example:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, they look happy just a little bit. Or sometimes there is no reaction at all.
3. You almost never see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours without moving.
5. Cats and teenagers keep coming home when they want.
6. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers behave as if they did.
A husband and wife watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” and the husband smiles and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”