Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench and they are talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know that I have a Chagall in my living room? It was my son, Arnold, who bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is, he loves his mother.”
“You call that love? You know my Mercedes? I’ve just got it for Mother’s Day. It’s from my son, Bernie. What a darling!”
Shirley says, “That’s nothing. Do you know my son Stanley? He’s in therapy and has five sessions a week. And you know what he talks about? Me!”
“Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
“Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
“Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
A woman didn’t follow the traffic rules. She was sent to traffic court. When they asked about her job, she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge stood up from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher! Now sit and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times!”
A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead. The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.
“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog sniffs the body and barks.
“I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”
The man finally accepts the diagnosis and asks the vet for the bill.
“It’s 650 dollars.”
“650 to tell me my dog is dead?”
“Well, I would only have charged you $50 for my first diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test.”
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Only some don’t have the film.
A doctor is examining a woman. She is in the Emergency Room. The doctor took the husband aside.
“I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither, doctor. But she’s a great cook and she is really good with the kids.”
A man was on a tour of the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while he was on vacation. By chance, he discovered a secret room. He left the tour group silently and started to explore the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. He wiped the dust off the lamp and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
“For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish. What will it be, sire?”
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Allah Ka Zam! You’re a housewife!”
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A man goes into a post office one day. A middle-aged bald man is standing at the counter. He is sticking stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He also sprays the envelopes with perfume.
The man goes to the bald man and asks him,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards. They’re signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
I was walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the thing away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and it probably has germs,” I replied.
My daughter looked at me with total admiration, and she asked, “Wow! How do you know all these things?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently thinking about this new information.
“OH… I get it!” she exclaimed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.