An old couple is on a walk. A pigeon flies over their heads and relieves himself on the woman’s head.
“Yecch!” says the woman, “Get me some toilet paper.”
“What for? He must be a half a mile away now.”
Some Polish, English, and French guys are running away from German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree.
When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.” The English guy, thinking fast, says, “Tweet, tweet, tweet.”
The Germans, thinking it’s a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.”
The French guy, thinking fast, says, “Hoot, hoot, hoot.” The Germans, thinking it’s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.”
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, “Take that sheep to the zoo, now.”
The next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
This policeman stops the guy and says, “What on earth are you doing with that sheep?”
The guy says, “Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I’m taking him to the movies.”
The teacher says, “Here is a math problem. If your father makes $300 dollars a week and he gives your mother half, what will he have?”
The student answers, “A very bad feeling.”
A man is talking to God.
The man says, “God, how long is a million years?”
God says, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man says, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God replies, “To me it’s a penny.”
The man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
God says, “Wait a minute.”
On the first day of college, the principal addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be closed for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
A boy comes home after school. His grandmother asks him, “Well, tell me Jimmy, what did you do today?”
“Granny, you won’t believe it! In chemistry class we did experiments with explosives.”
“Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?”
“At what school?”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found that it is under normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, take off your clothes,” the doctor asked. She did. He started to examine her breasts. He pressed them many times in different places.
Then he asked her to get dressed and he said, “Of course, the baby is underweight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. “A pint, please,” the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV.
When the local team scores a goal, the dog barks and dances around the bar and jumps very high.
“Wow,” the barman says, clearly impressed. “What does he do when we win?”
“I don’t know, I’ve only had him for two years,” the man replies.
A wife asks her husband if he is planning to do anything for their wedding anniversary.
The husband looks at her and says, “Where we are from, we don’t celebrate mistakes. “