Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbours‘ house.
Police: Where is your neighbours‘ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Does your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he does it all by himself.
A: What room does a ghost not need?
B: A living room!
“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”
“I think so too. This is a post office.”
Why are married men fat and bachelors are not? The bachelors go to the fridge. They see nothing that they want, and then they go to bed. Married men go to bed – they see nothing that they want, and then they go to the fridge.
A: I’m in big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: There is a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don’t have a trap.
B: Well, buy one.
A: I don’t have any money.
B: I can give you my trap if you want.
A: Great. Thank you.
B: All you need to do is just put some cheese in the trap, then the mouse will come to the trap.
A: I don’t have any cheese.
B: Okay, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil on it and put it in the trap.
A: I don’t have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don’t have any bread.
B: I don’t understand. What is the mouse doing at your house?!
Why do men like women dressed in leather?
Because they smell like new cars.
A man has a big garden around his house. An old dog comes to his garden. The dog looks at the man and then lies down next to him.
When the man stands up and walks to the house, the dog walks behind him. When they are inside, the dog jumps on the sofa, closes his eyes and sleeps for one hour. Then he wakes up and walks to the door. The man lets the dog out.
The next day the dog comes again. He jumps on the sofa and sleeps for an hour. This is happening every day for three weeks. The man wants to know why the dog comes to his house. He writes on a piece of paper these words, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house and sleeps for one hour on my sofa.” Then the man puts this piece of paper on his collar.
The next day the dog comes with a different piece of paper on his collar. It says, “He lives in a home with four children. He needs some quite place to relax. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
Nobody is perfect. I am nobody. So I am perfect.
One day, Satan comes to a church. Everybody in the church is afraid and runs away. Only one old man stays in the church.
So Satan walks to the man and says, “Do you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, I know who you are.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asks.
“No, I am not.” says the man.
“Do you know that I can make life horrible for you?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“Do you know that I can kill you with one word?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asks Satan.
“No,” says the old man.
Satan is shocked but asks, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “I married your sister 48 years ago.”