A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his shock, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who is he? Who is the father?” Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A photographer wants to take pictures of a forest fire. A small plane waits for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire. The photographer comes to the airport only an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!” The nervous man who is sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane. Soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.” “Why?” asks the nervous pilot. “Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” The pilot says, “You are not the flight instructor?”
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be normally a conservative man and is curious about his sudden change of style. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies quietly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.” The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A man wants to be a monk. He goes to a monastery. He talks to the head monk. The head monk says, “You must be quiet all the time. You can say only two words every three years.” The man says OK. After the first 3 years, the head monk comes to him and says, “What are your two words?” “Food cold!” the man says. Three more years go by and the head monk comes to him and says, “What are your two words?” “Clothes dirty!” the man shouts. Three more years go by and the head monk comes to him and says, “What are your two words?” “I finish!” says the man. “Well,” the head monk says, “It is logical and I understand. All your time in here, you speak only about problems!”
An elderly couple was attending a church service when about halfway through she leans over and tells him, “I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?” “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”