A man has a big garden around his house. An old dog comes to his garden. The dog looks at the man and then lies down next to him. When the man stands up and walks to the house, the dog walks behind him. When they are inside, the dog jumps on the sofa, closes his eyes and sleeps for one hour. Then he wakes up and walks to the door. The man lets the dog out. The next day the dog comes again. He jumps on the sofa and sleeps for an hour. This is happening every day for three weeks. The man wants to know why the dog comes to his house. He writes on a piece of paper these words, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house and sleeps for one hour on my sofa.” Then the man puts this piece of paper on his collar. The next day the dog comes with a different piece of paper on his collar. It says, “He lives in a home with four children. He needs some quite place to relax. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a set of hearing aids that helped the man to hear 100 %.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who is he? Who is the father?” Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A doctor is examining a woman. She is in the Emergency Room. The doctor took the husband aside. “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither, doctor. But she’s a great cook and she is really good with the kids.”
I was walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the thing away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked. “Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and it probably has germs,” I replied. My daughter looked at me with total admiration, and she asked, “Wow! How do you know all these things?” “Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently thinking about this new information. “OH… I get it!” she exclaimed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.” “Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Four expectant fathers are waiting in a hospital while their wives are in labour. The nurse comes to the waiting room and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.” “What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” A little later, the nurse comes back and tells the second man, “You are a father of triplets.” “That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.” An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence…” When the third man says that, everyone looks at the fourth man who has just fainted. After a second, he opens his eyes and whispers, “Jesus, I work at Millennium Computers!”
“Does your son know what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”