Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbours‘ house.
Police: Where is your neighbours‘ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…
Four expectant fathers are waiting in a hospital while their wives are in labour. The nurse comes to the waiting room and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
A little later, the nurse comes back and tells the second man, “You are a father of triplets.”
“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence…”
When the third man says that, everyone looks at the fourth man who has just fainted. After a second, he opens his eyes and whispers, “Jesus, I work at Millennium Computers!”
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Does your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he does it all by himself.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No, God will save me.”
Finally, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
A: What room does a ghost not need?
B: A living room!
A: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
B: Hope it’s Halloween!
“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”
“I think so too. This is a post office.”
A: Why does the blonde run with the bike?
B: It is going too fast for her to get on.
A very drunk man gets home and starts to open the door but he is too drunk to do it. From the balcony, his wife shouts, “Should I throw you the key?”
“I have got the key,” he said, “Throw me the lock!”