Three sisters who are 92, 94, and 96 years old live together. One night the 96-year-old sister prepares a bath. She puts one foot in and stops. “Am I getting in the bath or out?” she shouts.
The 94-year-old sister shouts back, “I don’t know, I will come up to see. “ She starts going up the stairs and she stops. She shouts, “Am I going up or down?”
The 92-year-old sister is sitting at the kitchen table. She is drinking tea. She is listening to her sisters. She says to herself, “I hope that I will never forget things“, and knocks on wood. Then she shouts, “I will come up and I will help both of you. But first I must see who is at the door.”
If you have a teenager, you might find some similarities between them and cats. For example:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, they look happy just a little bit. Or sometimes there is no reaction at all.
3. You almost never see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours without moving.
5. Cats and teenagers keep coming home when they want.
6. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers behave as if they did.
A man died and went straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms that he could choose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil that this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, drank his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
A sad man walks into a bar, and the barman asks him what the problem is.
“My life is horrible,” the man says. “Every night, I play a game of chess with my wife, and every night she beats me.”
“Well, why don’t you stop playing chess?” the barman asks.
“I love the game,” the man says, “I’m a genius. I never lose.”
The barman doesn’t understand. “But you say that your wife always beats you.”
“Well,” the man says, “She doesn’t like to lose.”
A husband and wife watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” and the husband smiles and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says, “Are you worried about mad cow disease?” The other cow looks puzzled. “Why? I’m a helicopter.”
A photographer for a national magazine wants to take pictures of a great forest fire. His boss tells him that a small plane will wait for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire.
The photographer comes to the airport only an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!” The nervous man who is sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane and soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.”
“Why?” asks the nervous pilot.
“Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
The pilot says, “You are not the flight instructor?”
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and shouted at the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
”That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “But I don’t think my father would like me to.”
“Don’t worry. Everything will be okay,” the farmer replied.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and he said, “But my father won’t like it.”
After a good dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my father is going to be really angry.”
“I don’t think so. Everything will be okay,” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.”
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit poo. One of the boys said, “What is that?”
“They’re smart pills,” said the other boy. “Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”
So he ate them and said, “These taste like poo!”
“See,” said the other boy, “You’re getting smarter already.”
An old couple is on a walk. A pigeon flies over their heads and relieves himself on the woman’s head.
“Yecch!” says the woman, “Get me some toilet paper.”
“What for? He must be a half a mile away now.”