A snail is attacked by a turtle. The policeman says, “Can you tell us what happened?”
The snail says, “No, it all happened so fast!”
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he’s ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies, “That bird is $1000.”
“What?!” cries the man, “$1000 for a bird? What does it do?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked,” says the shop owner. “You see, that bird can sing every female role in our opera house from memory.”
The man thinks, OK but I can’t afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is.
“That bird is $2000,” replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. “Well, he can play any Paganini concerto that you request on the violin from memory.” The man thinks wow, but I really can’t afford that bird.
He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird sitting in the corner of a cage, and, thinks that this bird couldn’t cost very much. He asks the shop owner. “Oh, that bird is $20000,” he replies. Shocked, the man asks what this bird does. “Oh, we haven’t found out yet,” the owner replies. “But the other two call him Maestro.”
It’s a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are working hard in the garden. Their friend Ralph is sitting under a tree and drinks a cold drink. Jake asks Harry, “Why are we here in the hot sun when Ralph is sitting there?” Harry says, “I don’t know, I will go ask him.”
Harry goes to Ralph and asks him, “Why are you sitting here and drinking a cold drink and Jake and I are working in the hot sun?”
Ralph says, “Because I have smarts.”
“What is smarts?” asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, “Hit my hand very hard.” Harry tries to hit Ralph’s hand but Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree. He feels great pain.
Ralph says, “I moved my hand away. I showed you that I have smarts.” Harry goes back to Jake and Jake asks him, “What did he say?”
Ralph says, “It’s because he has smarts.“
“What’s that?” Jake asks. Harry puts his hand in front of his face and says, “Hit my hand!”
An old fisherman was fishing in the lake one day when he saw a water snake moving across the water with a frog in its mouth. He had been a fisherman for a long time. He knew the best food for some large fish were frogs. With this thought, the fisherman grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the frog from its mouth. He put the frog in his side bag. The fisherman feared the angry snake would bite him, so he grabbed his bottle of homemade whisky from his pocket and carefully poured 2 drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes shone for just a moment and then it moved away slowly.
A few hours later, the fisherman was about to head home, when he felt something touching his leg. He looked down and was amazed to see the same water snake with 2 frogs in its mouth.
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking whisky, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other “professor“, and generally attracting a lot of attention. When asked why they were having such a celebration, they said proudly that they’ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months! “Two months?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!”
“Oh, yeah?” says one drunk. “The box said 2-4 years!”
A teacher says, “What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are not interested?”
The students say, “A teacher!”
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole. He would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole. He would fill, fill, fill. These two men worked very hard, one was digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and he couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!”
The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
Three sisters who are 92, 94, and 96 years old live together. One night the 96-year-old sister prepares a bath. She puts one foot in and stops. “Am I getting in the bath or out?” she shouts.
The 94-year-old sister shouts back, “I don’t know, I will come up to see. “ She starts going up the stairs and she stops. She shouts, “Am I going up or down?”
The 92-year-old sister is sitting at the kitchen table. She is drinking tea. She is listening to her sisters. She says to herself, “I hope that I will never forget things“, and knocks on wood. Then she shouts, “I will come up and I will help both of you. But first I must see who is at the door.”
If you have a teenager, you might find some similarities between them and cats. For example:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, they look happy just a little bit. Or sometimes there is no reaction at all.
3. You almost never see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours without moving.
5. Cats and teenagers keep coming home when they want.
6. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers behave as if they did.
A man died and went straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms that he could choose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil that this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, drank his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”