Women are like telephones. You hold them, and they love it. You talk to them, and they love it.
But press the wrong button, and you are DISCONNECTED.
An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”
A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it.
The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said,
“You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.”
The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans.
After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.
What is the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar. But you can’t tuna fish.
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
Dolphins are so intelligent! Do you know what they can do in few weeks in a dolphinarium? They can train a man to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish three times a day!
It is a beautiful morning. Dean comes early into his office… and sees Martin. Martin is kissing his secretary. Dean doesn’t like this. Martin is his employee!
He screams: “Martin, do I pay you for this?”
“No sir, I am doing this for free.”
When I get to Heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Also, are there any postmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologise?
An old married couple was watching TV, and the husband had the remote. He was switching between a fishing channel and a porn channel. The wife soon became very annoyed.
“For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
“Johnny, give me a sentence that starts with I.”
“No, Little Johnny. Always say I am.”
“All right… I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”