The new employee stood before the paper shredder and was looking confused.
“Do you need some help?” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“It’s simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and putting it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
In a Catholic school restaurant, a nun puts a note in front of a pile of apples, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Next to the apples, there is a pile of cookies. A little boy writes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Two farmers are speaking, “I want to buy this sheep, but it is too expensive!”
“Yes it is, but look at its coat! It is 100% wool!”
A student stops a car and asks the driver,
“Can you take me to school?”
“Sorry, I’m going in another direction,” says the driver.
“Super, take me there!”
An instructor in a driving school tells his student, “Tell me, how does the motor work?”
“Can I use my own words?”
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbours‘ house.
Police: Where is your neighbours‘ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…
Four expectant fathers are waiting in a hospital while their wives are in labour. The nurse comes to the waiting room and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
A little later, the nurse comes back and tells the second man, “You are a father of triplets.”
“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence…”
When the third man says that, everyone looks at the fourth man who has just fainted. After a second, he opens his eyes and whispers, “Jesus, I work at Millennium Computers!”
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Does your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he does it all by himself.