A sad man walks into a bar, and the barman asks him what the problem is.
“My life is horrible,” the man says. “Every night, I play a game of chess with my wife, and every night she beats me.”
“Well, why don’t you stop playing chess?” the barman asks.
“I love the game,” the man says, “I’m a genius. I never lose.”
The barman doesn’t understand. “But you say that your wife always beats you.”
“Well,” the man says, “She doesn’t like to lose.”
A husband and wife watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” and the husband smiles and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says, “Are you worried about mad cow disease?” The other cow looks puzzled. “Why? I’m a helicopter.”
A photographer for a national magazine wants to take pictures of a great forest fire. His boss tells him that a small plane will wait for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire.
The photographer comes to the airport only an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!” The nervous man who is sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane and soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.”
“Why?” asks the nervous pilot.
“Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
The pilot says, “You are not the flight instructor?”
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and shouted at the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
”That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “But I don’t think my father would like me to.”
“Don’t worry. Everything will be okay,” the farmer replied.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and he said, “But my father won’t like it.”
After a good dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my father is going to be really angry.”
“I don’t think so. Everything will be okay,” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.”
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit poo. One of the boys said, “What is that?”
“They’re smart pills,” said the other boy. “Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”
So he ate them and said, “These taste like poo!”
“See,” said the other boy, “You’re getting smarter already.”
An old couple is on a walk. A pigeon flies over their heads and relieves himself on the woman’s head.
“Yecch!” says the woman, “Get me some toilet paper.”
“What for? He must be a half a mile away now.”
Some Polish, English, and French guys are running away from German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree.
When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.” The English guy, thinking fast, says, “Tweet, tweet, tweet.”
The Germans, thinking it’s a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.”
The French guy, thinking fast, says, “Hoot, hoot, hoot.” The Germans, thinking it’s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.”
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, “Take that sheep to the zoo, now.”
The next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
This policeman stops the guy and says, “What on earth are you doing with that sheep?”
The guy says, “Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I’m taking him to the movies.”
The teacher says, “Here is a math problem. If your father makes $300 dollars a week and he gives your mother half, what will he have?”
The student answers, “A very bad feeling.”