There once was an old man who was dying in his bed. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic. “When I die, I’ll get the money on my way up,” said the old man.
Well, when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman. She knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
“So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
“Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
A young man has a new job at a supermarket. It is his first day. The manager says hello to him. Then he gives him a mop and says, “Your first job is to mop the floor.”
“But I have a university degree,” the young man says.
“Oh, I understand. I’m sorry,” says the manager. “Give me the mop. I can show you how.”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They promised that if one of them died, the second one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car accident. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she said, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It’s beautiful. The sky is blue, there’s a soft wind, sun shines most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we sleep until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we make love again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat surprised. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend your eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and talk about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then had a lobster, caviar and the finest champagne for dinner.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that, before the politician knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven for a day.”
So, the politician joins a group of smiling souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a desert covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in dirty clothes, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.”I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote. Today, you voted.”
Carlos told his wife that he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. The next day she bought him an electric guitar.
A man from a circus travels by car. He has long hair and looks like a mafia boss. A policeman stops the car.
When he looks inside the car, he is shocked. The car is full of big knives.
“What are those big knives doing in your car?” asks the policeman.
“I play with them in a circus.”
“Oh, really?” says the policeman, who doesn’t believe him. “Let’s see how you do it.”
The man gets out and starts throwing and catching the knives. Another man, who is driving around, stops to watch the situation.
“Wow,” says this man. “I’m glad that I stopped drinking before driving. Look at the tests which they’re giving now!”
A petrol station owner wants to sell more petrol in a small village. He writes on a board, “Free sex for a full tank.”
Many people come to the petrol station. One of the first people is Hugo. When his tank is full, he asks for free sex.
The owner tells him, “Tell me a number from 1 to 10.”
Hugo says 8.
The owner says, “The number is 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
The next week Hugo comes with his friend Augustin. When Hugo’s tank is full, he asks again for free sex.
The owner wants to hear the correct number again. Hugo says 2 this time.
The owner says, “Sorry, it is 3. No sex today.”
Hugo is angry and he tells his friend Augustin, “I think it is a marketing trick and there is no free sex.”
His friend Augustin says, “No, it isn’t a trick. My wife had free sex twice last week.”
Fred is 35 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asks him, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Find a girl who is exactly like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With an unhappy face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was exactly like my mother. You were right. My mother liked her very much.”
The friend says, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A man is reading his newspaper when his wife walks up to him and hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He says, “Why do you hit me?”
“There was a piece of paper in your pocket with the words ‘Betty Sue’ on it.”
He says, “Honey, ‘Betty Sue’ is the name of the horse which I want to buy.”
The wife doesn’t say anything.
Three days later he is reading his newspaper again. His wife comes to him and hits him with a frying pan again.
He says, “Why do you hit me again?”
She says, “Your horse is on the phone.”