It’s Saturday evening. The pastor asks the assistant priest:
“What do you want to do in sermon the tomorrow?”
“I think I will tell people that it is important to save their money, their food…”
“Good, but ask them to give a little money first.”
One early morning, a mother is trying to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
“Doctor, I want to live 100 years. What can I do?”
“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Do you eat too much?”
“No.”
“Do you go to bed late?”
“No.”
“Have you got any lovers?”
“No.”
“So why do you want to live so long?”
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person… so that I can get a better girlfriend!
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. When they were close to a town called Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
After a while of arguing, they decided to go to a local restaurant and have lunch. The husband could not wait to know the correct pronunciation, so he asked the blond waitress at the cash desk.
“Before we order, could you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
“Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiing.”
A man is dying. He is very thirsty. He finds a well in the desert.
He screams, “Water! Water!”
And the well echoes back, “Where? Where?”
An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that his wife can’t hear.
“You need to test your wife. Stand far behind her and ask her a question. Then, start going closer to her. You will see how close you’ll get when she hears you.”
The old man is happy that he can help his wife. He runs home. He sees that his wife is making dinner.
“Honey!” the man says standing 20 feet away.
“What are we having for dinner?” he asks.
The wife doesn’t reply. The man tries again. He stands 15 feet away, but there is no answer. He stands 10 feet away and asks again. No answer.
Finally, he is 5 feet away, “Honey, what are we having for dinner?”
“I’ve told you four times! Lasagne!”
Peter and John are walking their dogs when they see a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Peter says.
“We can’t,” replies John and points at the “NO PETS ALLOWED!” sign.
“Ah, the sign… Don’t worry about it!”
Peter puts on his sunglasses and enters, but the doorman stops him.
“Sorry, no pets allowed.”
“Can’t you see?” says Peter, “I am blind! This is my guide dog.”
“But this is a Dobermann – who uses a Dobermann as a guide dog?”
“Oh, you haven’t heard? This is the latest type of guide dog! They do a very good job!”
John sees that Peter’s plan is working. He puts on sunglasses too and tries to get into the restaurant with his Chihuahua. The doorman quickly stops him.
“Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of guide dog too!”
“You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?”
“Doctor, my husband is talking in his sleep! All night! What can I do?”
“Let him speak during the day!”
“I have so much work to do. It’s terrible! I’m working twenty-five hours a day!”
“You are not! There are only 24 hours in one day!”
“That’s right. I have to get up an hour earlier.”