While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend your eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and talk about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then had a lobster, caviar and the finest champagne for dinner.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that, before the politician knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven for a day.”
So, the politician joins a group of smiling souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a desert covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in dirty clothes, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.”I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote. Today, you voted.”
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his shock, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who is he? Who is the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A photographer wants to take pictures of a forest fire. A small plane waits for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire.
The photographer comes to the airport only an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!”
The nervous man who is sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane. Soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.”
“Why?” asks the nervous pilot.
“Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
The pilot says, “You are not the flight instructor?”
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A husband and wife have a new computer. They need to set up a password. The husband types in “Mypenis”.
The wife falls on the ground. She is laughing. The computer says, “Error. Not long enough.”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be normally a conservative man and is curious about his sudden change of style.
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies quietly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him,
“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”
The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
