Some Polish, English, and French guys are running away from German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.” The English guy, thinking fast, says, “Tweet, tweet, tweet.” The Germans, thinking it’s a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.” The French guy, thinking fast, says, “Hoot, hoot, hoot.” The Germans, thinking it’s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, “We know you’re up there. Come down.”
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, “Take that sheep to the zoo, now.” The next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again. This policeman stops the guy and says, “What on earth are you doing with that sheep?” The guy says, “Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I’m taking him to the movies.”
The man says, “God, how long is a million years?” God says, “To me, it’s about a minute.” The man says, “God, how much is a million dollars?” God replies, “To me it’s a penny.” The man says, “God, can I have a penny?” God says, “Wait a minute.”
On the first day of college, the principal addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be closed for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
A boy comes home after school. His grandmother asks him, “Well, tell me Jimmy, what did you do today?” “Granny, you won’t believe it! In chemistry class we did experiments with explosives.” “Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?” “At what school?”
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. “A pint, please,” the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV.
When the local team scores a goal, the dog barks and dances around the bar and jumps very high. “Wow,” the barman says, clearly impressed. “What does he do when we win?” “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for two years,” the man replies.