A boy comes home after school. His grandmother asks him, “Well, tell me Jimmy, what did you do today?”
“Granny, you won’t believe it! In chemistry class we did experiments with explosives.”
“Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?”
“At what school?”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found that it is under normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, take off your clothes,” the doctor asked. She did. He started to examine her breasts. He pressed them many times in different places.
Then he asked her to get dressed and he said, “Of course, the baby is underweight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. “A pint, please,” the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV.
When the local team scores a goal, the dog barks and dances around the bar and jumps very high.
“Wow,” the barman says, clearly impressed. “What does he do when we win?”
“I don’t know, I’ve only had him for two years,” the man replies.
A wife asks her husband if he is planning to do anything for their wedding anniversary.
The husband looks at her and says, “Where we are from, we don’t celebrate mistakes. “
A farmer wants to milk a cow in the barn. He puts his chair next to the cow and the bucket below it. As he starts milking the cow, she kicks the bucket with her left leg. After a while, the farmer is angry and takes a rope to fix the cow’s leg to a pole. But before he can start milking again, the cow kicks the bucket with her right leg. So the farmer fixes the right leg to another pole.
The farmer wants to start milking again, but now the cow is hitting him with her tail. He decides to fix the tail to the roof. He puts the chair behind the cow and he steps on it. But he has no rope, so he takes off his belt to fix the tail. So as he is holding the cow’s tail in one hand, his belt in the other, his pants drop down right before his wife enters. She looks at him in a state of shock.
He just says, “Sometimes things are hard to explain.”
The teacher says, “Why are you late, Joseph?”
Joseph replies, “Because of a sign down the road.”
The teacher says, “What does a sign have to do with you being late?”
Joseph replies, “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”
Three friends have a good friend. His name is Joe. Joe is a very big optimist. At every bad situation he always says, “This is no big problem. It could be worse.”
His friends don’t like big optimists. So they want to tell Joe a horrible story the next day. They think that Joe cannot find a positive side to this horrible story.
So the next day, only two of his friends come to play golf. Joe asks, “Where’s Gary?”
One of his friends says, “Yesterday, Gary saw his wife in bed with another man, he killed them both, and then he killed himself.”
Joe says, “Well, it could have been worse.”
Both his friends say, “How could it be worse? Your best friend killed himself!”
Joe says, “If it was two days ago, I would be dead now!”
A big football fan walks into a bar, hits the table, and shouts, “Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens every day for a week, and the bartender starts to be nervous and very scared. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him that he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.
The next day, the big football fan returns.
“Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
“O-o-o-o-r-r-r… w-w-what?” says the bartender quietly.
“A small Coke.”
A student is talking to his teacher.
The student says, “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
The teacher replies, “Of course not!”
The student says, “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”
A woman is in bed with her lover who is also her husband`s best friend.
They make love for hours and then when they are relaxing in bed, the phone rings. It is the woman’s house, so she answers the phone. The best friend listens. He only hears her side of the conversation.
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so happy that you called… Really? That’s great… I’m happy to hear that you are having such a good time… Oh, that is fantastic… Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye!”
When she finishes the conversation, her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she says, “That was my husband. He told me about all the great time which he is having on his fishing trip with you.”