A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. When he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks. “No, not at all!” the woman replied. They chat for an hour and when the preacher stands because he wants to leave, he realises that he didn’t eat just a few peanuts but he emptied most of the bowl! “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.” “Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband, he thinks he’s a fridge!” “I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.” “But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it. The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said, “You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.” The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.
An old married couple was watching TV, and the husband had the remote. He was switching between a fishing channel and a porn channel. The wife soon became very annoyed. “For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
“I once sold a colour TV to a blind man,” says the first one. “I sold a stereo to a deaf man,” says the second one. “And I sold a cuckoo clock to a blonde,” says the third. “So what?” “And I sold 100 kg of bird feed with it!”
Dracula decides to have a competition to see which of his bats is the best. So, all the bats take part in this competition. The rules are simple. The bat which sucks more blood than the others is the winner. The first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Its mouth is full of blood. Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do it?” The bat says, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.” Dracula says, “Very good”. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes. Its face is covered in blood. Dracula is shocked, “How did you do that?” The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went in and sucked the blood of all the guests.” Dracula says, “Fantastic.” Now, the third bat goes and comes after just 1 minute. All of its body is covered in blood. Dracula doesn’t believe his eyes, “How did you do that?” The bat replies, “Do you see that tower?” Dracula replies, “Yes.” And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”
A girl handed in a short story for her English class. The instructions were simple – the story had to be about religion, sexuality and mystery, and it had to be as short as possible. Having received the markedpaper, the girl rejoiced. She was the only student to get an A+. This is what she had written: “God! I’m pregnant – I wonder how that happened…”
A man was praying as he was having a walk on a beach in California. Suddenly, the sky above him clouded over and he could hear the Lord say: “Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will make one of your wishes true.” “Build me a bridge from here to Hawaii. I want to be able to drive there anytime I feel like.” “That is a very materialistic and wasteful wish! Take your time to think and tell me another wish. A kind one!” The man thought for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I would like to understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside… What she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment… Why she cries… What she means when she says ‘nothing is wrong’… And how I can make a woman truly happy?” “Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”