“I once sold a colour TV to a blind man,” says the first one.
“I sold a stereo to a deaf man,” says the second one.
“And I sold a cuckoo clock to a blonde,” says the third.
“So what?”
“And I sold 100 kg of bird feed with it!”
Dracula decides to have a competition to see which of his bats is the best. So, all the bats take part in this competition. The rules are simple. The bat which sucks more blood than the others is the winner.
The first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Its mouth is full of blood. Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do it?”
The bat says, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.”
Dracula says, “Very good”.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes. Its face is covered in blood. Dracula is shocked, “How did you do that?”
The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went in and sucked the blood of all the guests.”
Dracula says, “Fantastic.”
Now, the third bat goes and comes after just 1 minute. All of its body is covered in blood. Dracula doesn’t believe his eyes,
“How did you do that?”
The bat replies, “Do you see that tower?”
Dracula replies, “Yes.”
And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”
A girl handed in a short story for her English class. The instructions were simple – the story had to be about religion, sexuality and mystery, and it had to be as short as possible.
Having received the marked paper, the girl rejoiced. She was the only student to get an A+. This is what she had written:
“God! I’m pregnant – I wonder how that happened…”
A man was praying as he was having a walk on a beach in California. Suddenly, the sky above him clouded over and he could hear the Lord say:
“Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will make one of your wishes true.”
“Build me a bridge from here to Hawaii. I want to be able to drive there anytime I feel like.”
“That is a very materialistic and wasteful wish! Take your time to think and tell me another wish. A kind one!”
The man thought for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I would like to understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside… What she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment… Why she cries… What she means when she says ‘nothing is wrong’… And how I can make a woman truly happy?”
“Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”
A man and his wife were having some problems, so they decided to try silent therapy.
The following week, the man realized that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. He had to catch an early flight, but he didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence. So, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, but it was already 9 a.m. He missed his flight!
He was furious and started screaming at his wife, but she just showed him a piece of paper next to his bed.
“It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
One early morning, a mother is trying to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. When they were close to a town called Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
After a while of arguing, they decided to go to a local restaurant and have lunch. The husband could not wait to know the correct pronunciation, so he asked the blond waitress at the cash desk.
“Before we order, could you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
“Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiing.”
Peter and John are walking their dogs when they see a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Peter says.
“We can’t,” replies John and points at the “NO PETS ALLOWED!” sign.
“Ah, the sign… Don’t worry about it!”
Peter puts on his sunglasses and enters, but the doorman stops him.
“Sorry, no pets allowed.”
“Can’t you see?” says Peter, “I am blind! This is my guide dog.”
“But this is a Dobermann – who uses a Dobermann as a guide dog?”
“Oh, you haven’t heard? This is the latest type of guide dog! They do a very good job!”
John sees that Peter’s plan is working. He puts on sunglasses too and tries to get into the restaurant with his Chihuahua. The doorman quickly stops him.
“Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of guide dog too!”
“You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?”
The leader of the vegetarian society couldn’t help himself anymore. He needed to try some pork. He really wanted to know what it tastes like. And so, on a summer’s day, he told his members that he was going on a vacation. He went out of town, and visited the nearest restaurant.
He ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited to try it. After a few minutes, he heard someone call his name. He saw that one of his colleagues was walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter came with a roasted pig, and it had an apple in its mouth.
“Well, isn’t this just terrible!?” says the leader after a moment, “All I did was order an apple, and look what the apple comes with!”
Scientists have recently discovered that beer contains a little of female hormones. This was proved when 100 men were given 12 pints of beer. Scientists observed that a surprising percentage of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.