A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he’s ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies, “That bird is $1000.”
“What?!” cries the man, “$1000 for a bird? What does it do?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked,” says the shop owner. “You see, that bird can sing every female role in our opera house from memory.”
The man thinks, OK but I can’t afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is.
“That bird is $2000,” replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. “Well, he can play any Paganini concerto that you request on the violin from memory.” The man thinks wow, but I really can’t afford that bird.
He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird sitting in the corner of a cage, and, thinks that this bird couldn’t cost very much. He asks the shop owner. “Oh, that bird is $20000,” he replies. Shocked, the man asks what this bird does. “Oh, we haven’t found out yet,” the owner replies. “But the other two call him Maestro.”
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking whisky, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other “professor“, and generally attracting a lot of attention. When asked why they were having such a celebration, they said proudly that they’ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months! “Two months?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!”
“Oh, yeah?” says one drunk. “The box said 2-4 years!”
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole. He would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole. He would fill, fill, fill. These two men worked very hard, one was digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and he couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!”
The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
A man died and went straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms that he could choose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil that this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, drank his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, “Take that sheep to the zoo, now.”
The next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
This policeman stops the guy and says, “What on earth are you doing with that sheep?”
The guy says, “Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I’m taking him to the movies.”
On the first day of college, the principal addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be closed for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. “A pint, please,” the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV.
When the local team scores a goal, the dog barks and dances around the bar and jumps very high.
“Wow,” the barman says, clearly impressed. “What does he do when we win?”
“I don’t know, I’ve only had him for two years,” the man replies.
The teacher says, “Why are you late, Joseph?”
Joseph replies, “Because of a sign down the road.”
The teacher says, “What does a sign have to do with you being late?”
Joseph replies, “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”