On the first day of college, the principal addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be closed for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. “A pint, please,” the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV.
When the local team scores a goal, the dog barks and dances around the bar and jumps very high. “Wow,” the barman says, clearly impressed. “What does he do when we win?” “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for two years,” the man replies.
The teacher says, “Why are you late, Joseph?” Joseph replies, “Because of a sign down the road.” The teacher says, “What does a sign have to do with you being late?” Joseph replies, “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”
A student is talking to his teacher. The student says, “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” The teacher replies, “Of course not!” The student says, “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”
“Isn’t the principal an idiot!” said a boy to a girl. “Well, do you know who I am?”asked the girl. “No,” replied the boy. “I’m the principal’s daughter,” said the girl. “And do you know who I am?” asked the boy. “No,” she replied. “Thank God!” said the boy with a sign of relief.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have cattle that are at least twice as large as your cows.” The conversation almost dies when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?” The Australian replies, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, stroke me, and take good care of me. They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, stroke me, and take good care of me. I must be a god!”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who is he? Who is the father?” Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.” The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.