An old married couple was watching TV, and the husband had the remote. He was switching between a fishing channel and a porn channel. The wife soon became very annoyed.
“For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
A man and his wife were having some problems, so they decided to try silent therapy.
The following week, the man realized that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. He had to catch an early flight, but he didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence. So, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, but it was already 9 a.m. He missed his flight!
He was furious and started screaming at his wife, but she just showed him a piece of paper next to his bed.
“It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that his wife can’t hear.
“You need to test your wife. Stand far behind her and ask her a question. Then, start going closer to her. You will see how close you’ll get when she hears you.”
The old man is happy that he can help his wife. He runs home. He sees that his wife is making dinner.
“Honey!” the man says standing 20 feet away.
“What are we having for dinner?” he asks.
The wife doesn’t reply. The man tries again. He stands 15 feet away, but there is no answer. He stands 10 feet away and asks again. No answer.
Finally, he is 5 feet away, “Honey, what are we having for dinner?”
“I’ve told you four times! Lasagne!”
“Doctor, my husband is talking in his sleep! All night! What can I do?”
“Let him speak during the day!”
A recent study shows that men who are married live longer than single men. However, many of them want to die.
A man in a pub tells his friends:
“Before the wedding, I spoke and she listened. After the wedding, she spoke and I listened. Now, we both speak and the neighbours listen.”
A general manager was with his secretary on a business trip. They had to be accommodated in a room with a single bed because all the other rooms were full. After dinner and several glasses of wine, the manager says:
“Look, we only have one bed. How are we going to sleep tonight? As husband and wife or as a general manager and a secretary?”
“As husband and wife,” the secretary cheerfully answers. When the manager hears that, he turns to the wall and starts snoring.
“Where is the manager?”
“He is on the phone. It’s his wife.”
“How do you know that it is his wife?”
“Because he is not saying anything.”
One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”