A woman was arrested for stealing. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.” When her husband heard this, he stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?” The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who is he? Who is the father?” Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be normally a conservative man and is curious about his sudden change of style. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies quietly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.” The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
An old married couple was watching TV, and the husband had the remote. He was switching between a fishing channel and a porn channel. The wife soon became very annoyed. “For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
A man and his wife were having some problems, so they decided to try silent therapy. The following week, the man realized that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. He had to catch an early flight, but he didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence. So, he wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” The next morning the man woke up, but it was already 9 a.m. He missed his flight! He was furious and started screaming at his wife, but she just showed him a piece of paper next to his bed. “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that his wife can’t hear. “You need to test your wife. Stand far behind her and ask her a question. Then, start going closer to her. You will see how close you’ll get when she hears you.” The old man is happy that he can help his wife. He runs home. He sees that his wife is making dinner. “Honey!” the man says standing 20 feet away. “What are we having for dinner?” he asks. The wife doesn’t reply. The man tries again. He stands 15 feet away, but there is no answer. He stands 10 feet away and asks again. No answer. Finally, he is 5 feet away, “Honey, what are we having for dinner?” “I’ve told you four times! Lasagne!”