A general manager was with his secretary on a business trip. They had to be accommodated in a room with a single bed because all the other rooms were full. After dinner and several glasses of wine, the manager says:
“Look, we only have one bed. How are we going to sleep tonight? As husband and wife or as a general manager and a secretary?”
“As husband and wife,” the secretary cheerfully answers. When the manager hears that, he turns to the wall and starts snoring.
“Where is the manager?”
“He is on the phone. It’s his wife.”
“How do you know that it is his wife?”
“Because he is not saying anything.”
One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A very drunk man gets home and starts to open the door but he is too drunk to do it. From the balcony, his wife shouts, “Should I throw you the key?”
“I have got the key,” he said, “Throw me the lock!”
Why are married men fat and bachelors are not? The bachelors go to the fridge. They see nothing that they want, and then they go to bed. Married men go to bed – they see nothing that they want, and then they go to the fridge.
A woman was arrested for stealing. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
When her husband heard this, he stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Carlos told his wife that he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. The next day she bought him an electric guitar.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, does he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes, he does.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who is he? Who is the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as if she didn’t want to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the policeman.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”