A boy comes home after school. His grandmother asks him, “Well, tell me Jimmy, what did you do today?”
“Granny, you won’t believe it! In chemistry class we did experiments with explosives.”
“Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?”
“At what school?”
A wife asks her husband if he is planning to do anything for their wedding anniversary.
The husband looks at her and says, “Where we are from, we don’t celebrate mistakes. “
Three friends have a good friend. His name is Joe. Joe is a very big optimist. At every bad situation he always says, “This is no big problem. It could be worse.”
His friends don’t like big optimists. So they want to tell Joe a horrible story the next day. They think that Joe cannot find a positive side to this horrible story.
So the next day, only two of his friends come to play golf. Joe asks, “Where’s Gary?”
One of his friends says, “Yesterday, Gary saw his wife in bed with another man, he killed them both, and then he killed himself.”
Joe says, “Well, it could have been worse.”
Both his friends say, “How could it be worse? Your best friend killed himself!”
Joe says, “If it was two days ago, I would be dead now!”
A woman is in bed with her lover who is also her husband`s best friend.
They make love for hours and then when they are relaxing in bed, the phone rings. It is the woman’s house, so she answers the phone. The best friend listens. He only hears her side of the conversation.
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so happy that you called… Really? That’s great… I’m happy to hear that you are having such a good time… Oh, that is fantastic… Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye!”
When she finishes the conversation, her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she says, “That was my husband. He told me about all the great time which he is having on his fishing trip with you.”
Mother comes home from a business trip and she asks her little son, “Well, Johnny, how was your life with father when I was away?”
“Everything was fine, mum,” the little boy says. “Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.”
“Wasn’t it difficult for you to swim?”
“Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.”
An old man is going by car. He is going on a big road. His phone rings.
He answers the phone. He hears his wife. She tells him, “Herman, I listened to the news. They say that there is a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It is not only one car,” says Herman, “It is many cars!”
What is the name that cannibals have for athletes?
Fast food!
Are you good at doing things for the first time?
If not, skydiving is not for you!
A husband and wife have a new computer. They need to set up a password. The husband types in “Mypenis”.
The wife falls on the ground. She is laughing. The computer says, “Error. Not long enough.”
A man wants to be a monk. He goes to a monastery. He talks to the head monk.
The head monk says,
“You must be quiet all the time. You can say only two words every three years.”
The man says OK. After the first 3 years, the head monk comes to him and says,
“What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man says.
Three more years go by and the head monk comes to him and says,
“What are your two words?”
“Clothes dirty!” the man shouts.
Three more years go by and the head monk comes to him and says,
“What are your two words?”
“I finish!” says the man.
“Well,” the head monk says, “It is logical and I understand. All your time in here, you speak only about problems!”